photo by @cameron_hammond
With all the reading and research and studying I've done, I had come to believe all orgasms were clitoral. I believed that the "g spot" wasn't real and that all orgasms stemmed from clitoral stimulation. If there was a g-spot, I figured mine wasn't working. I am so excited to share this piece with you all because what I learned BLEW my mind, I'm not kidding.
I learned more about the female body last night than I even thought possible. Despite COVID, and despite the madness, I went to a free lecture given by Elisa Caro, a tantric, sacred sexual shamanic and mindful sexuality practitioner and facilitator.
To start, she referred to the pussy/vulva as the yoni, which is Sanskrit for "entrance of the sacred temple" and I knew it was going to be a good night. She went on to say that "pleasure is our fucking birthright" and I couldn't agree more.
Then she began talking about the yoni, and how a lot of us don't know how to love it right; And that's not our fault. While it may seem we live in a time when people can openly talk about sex, this is not true everywhere, and also, it is how we are talking about sex that matters. Do we talk about the juices that spill out of us? Do we talk about what actually gets us off? Do we talk about the bad sex we've had and really question why it was bad?
I've recently come to realize that your orgasms are your responsibility. It's not, "Did _____ make you come?" But rather, "Do you know how to make yourself come so that you could show _____ and then they could help make you come?" But how are we supposed to do that with so little research and so little information available?
Well, here's what I learned last night:
The yoni has erectile tissue.
The yoni also has vestibular bulbs that must become engorged in order for us to really feel all the beautiful yoni sensations.
Full arousal of the yoni takes 20-40 minutes - and get this - it's not just important to arouse the clit, it's vital to massage the whole yoni, like actually massage the whole yoni area, like you're kneading dough, for 20-40 minutes.
Tantric practice also says that in order to have "Forget-your-name-and-go-into-bliss orgasms and not just superficial quick orgasms" (as Caro puts it), we need to emerge and unite the five bodies during solo or partnered sex.
The five bodies are:
1. The physical
2. The mental
3. The emotional
4. The energetic
5. The spiritual
In short, if you're drunk or just having a hook up you may not be able to ignite all the bodies and get lost in tantric bliss. You may still orgasm. But Caro is talking about, and trying to get us to have, next-level-blow-your-fucking-mind sex. And I'm HERE FOR IT.
Here is the wild thing:
The more often a woman has sex before the yoni is truly aroused and ready (erectile tissue erect and vestibular bulbs well engorged- again this takes 20-40 minutes of sensual play), the more likely she is to actively dissociate the feelings inside her, recognize them as Not Great, and her yoni may actually become desensitized (not permanently, you can fix this) to penetrative sex. Resulting in clitoral orgasms feeling like the only option.
So, if this sounds like something you've experienced, or if you've been having sex but not come from penetration alone, this can be because you need to awaken your yoni, and it's full sensual potential to feel all and everything.
I can tell you, I haven't done that. I am comfortable with clitoral orgasms, but internally I don't think I'm so tuned in and alive...
The yoni needs to be erect before penetration. The internal structure needs to be puffed up and alive in order to experience all powerful orgasms, and this DEFINITELY involves more than perfunctory foreplay.
Here's what needs to happen:
More self-pleasuring in between partnered sex. You need to teach your body how good it can feel so it knows how to also feel those sensations during sex with other people. And not just five minutes of rubbing the clit. Put aside 30, 45 minutes or an hour of self-love making. Light candles. Get comfortable. Burn some palo santo. Listen to a tantric spotify playlist. Rub oil all over your body (I like coconut oil mixed with a drop of lavender essential oil for my body, olive oil for my yoni). Find four different ways to touch your clitoris. Direct, indirect, from the labia, using the clitoral hood, whatever feels nice to you. Massage your whole damn yoni. Basically your internal clitoral legs and vestibular bulbs will become aroused, your clitoris will get aroused and your yoni will genuinely be awakened.
Stick a finger inside and up, feel around for the pressure of the vestibular bulbs. If they are aroused, you will feel them and their pressure on the vaginal walls. Your vagina will feel warm, engorged and narrow. Firmly touch and massage your whole outside yoni. Caro says to think of your yoni like a piano, don't just play two or three notes, play all the keys, make beautiful damn music in this state of arousal. Were penetration to happen, you would really feel it in the most heightened way.
The G-spot:
One day it's real, the next it's not. Some women apparently have it- some women don't. The lack of research and evidence is proof the patriarchy is Alive and Well and doesn't care much about women's pleasure. Or perhaps they are scared of what truly sexually empowered, free and liberated women might do/are capable of.
Nonetheless, Caro believes the G-spot exists, and is responsible for women squirting. But you can only really feeeeel your G-spot if you're urethra sponge is engorged. So again, full blown hands-on, all encompassing yoni foreplay is required. Caro also shared, and this did not surprise me, that women have come to store a lot of emotion in the G-spot and some sexual healing on that spot may be necessary for you to unlock your Full Orgasm Potential.
Your G-spot may need to be massaged. Stick two fingers in and up and feel for a patch that feels like your tongue palette. Massage it. Breathe. Stop. Massage it again, breathe, stop. Relax your yoni muscles. Breathe, massage again.
Unresolved emotions, disconnected feelings, past trauma and shame may need to work themselves out of this area. You may cry, that's okay. Allow the sexual healing to happen and please be patient with yourself.
The K-Spot:
The K-spot is the more casual name for the perineal sponge. It is between the vagina and the anus. Basically instead of going in your vagina and up, insert a finger or two into your vagina and go down. That's your K-spot. It is less emotional and more grounding than the G-spot. As it is made up of erectile tissue that will be engorged during arousal, this spot can also bring you pleasure!
The Cervix & Cervical Orgasms:
The cervix can also give you orgasms! When a woman is on her cycle the cervix actually comes down and you should be able to easily reach it with your fingers. Try flicking it, rubbing it, touching it and see what sensations that brings you, you may even orgasm!
Numbness:
The end of the talk was about numbness. Remember that if you've fallen into a pattern with sex and if you haven't dedicated the time to unleash your sexual potential, parts of your yoni may be experiencing temporary numbness.
To Caro, this is a fixable problem:
Pick two places, one that's pleasurable and one that's numb. Begin to touch both. Then keep massaging just the numb area, then the pleasurable area, then both, and keep switching like that. This will help bring sensations back to that numb spot by basically retraining your body to feel pleasure where it has always been able to.
You can also do this trick with sensitive and less sensitive areas.
The Seven Kinds of Female Orgasm, Yes SEVEN:
Caro lastly mentioned that women can have SEVEN DIFFERENT TYPES OF ORGASMS:
1. Nipple orgasms
2. Anal orgasms
3. Entrance orgasms
4. Clitoral orgasms
5. G-spot orgasms
6. Cervical orgasms
7. Full body orgasms
At the end of the lecture I asked about the trending and popular theory that all orgasms are clitoral and/or stem from clitoral stimulation. She answered that she's heard this too, and she was surprised by this theory as it is not reflective of her or her clients' experience.
Which, blew my fucking mind, and also made me feel liberated. I've had clitoral orgasms, and as amazing as they are, I kind of wondered, is that it?
Well, nope! Turns out there is a world of orgasm opportunity out there. I'm going to begin to explore my whole yoni, and I hope you do too. And if you don't have a yoni, I hope you will be able to explore your partner's yoni in this way.
Thanks again for reading<3 It's too fun to share this all with you. If you want access to more content like this, the chance for me to answer any question you have, and early access to these blog posts subscribe to my patreon here:
https://www.patreon.com/sexandroses?fan_landing=true