Photo by @florencegiven
I feel a kind of odd darkness enveloping this time. In Australia, where I am currently living, fires just recently swept through the country, destroying land, animals, homes, crops and human lives. Just as the fires began to subside, a new virus began to grasp the country I’m in, but also the world. Italy, where I’ve eaten pasta, made love, fallen in love (with Italy), and spent some of the most romantic days of my life, is in some parts completely locked down. The distance between my family and I is made much more clear. I am over here in this isolated country, a 15 hour flight that I don’t even know if I could take, away from “home.” Elections are happening in my home country. Trump could be elected again and that would mean dark dark times for the US. In Paris, the university I went to is shutting down campus and all classes will be online until further notice.
Amidst all this, I am learning more about sexual pleasure than I ever have before. So I am offering some suggestions, to bring light into your life, to allow your pleasure to grow, and to keep yourself mentally and physically healthy if you will be spending more time at home.
MOVEMENT
Take this opportunity to dance and be in your body:
Some ways to do this include getting dressed up, or dressed down into whatever makes you feel good, feel sexy. Maybe take a hot shower and put on your favorite oils and/or creams and all your jewellery but no clothes and dance to music you love. Light candles and let the rhythm and the lyrics move you. Start on the floor and stretch your body out and feel where there is tightness and tension. Pay attention to those areas and breath into them as you begin to move. Watch yourself in a mirror if that makes you happy. If that makes you unhappy, don’t do it! Just feel your body moving and recognise how that makes you feel. Try to dance everyday if you can.
Another thing you could do is youtube some stretching videos and stretch at home. Stretching requires minimal effort and you can do it at any point in your day. I have found stretching to relieve so much stress and cause me to be less anxious in general! I swear!
You could do the same thing with yoga videos! Yoga has helped me so much post-injury to be in my body again and work out where I was actually affected from my accident (besides my broken rib). Yoga can be done at home easily! Put down a towel, get into something comfortable, light some candles, palo santo, incense, whatever you have and do a little flow.
THE DIRTY WORK OF BETTERING YOUR SEX LIFE
Take this time to re-evaluate your sex life!
Ask yourself:
Am I having the sex I want to be having?
Am I asking for / getting what I need during sex?
Are there other things I want to try?
Do I want to try sex toys?
What do I love about sex?
What is bothering me about sex?
How can I love my body during sex?
What would make sex better?
Emily Nagoski writes that our sexual systems are made up of brakes and accelerators. To increase our sexual desire and make our sex lives better we essentially have to eliminate things that cause us to hit our breaks and increase our accelerators. So make a list of the things that get in the way of you being present with your sexual self and your pleasure. These include needing to do laundry, the house being dirty, intense body judgment, being tired from work, too much alcohol, recent injury. If these are some of the things that turn on your brakes you could for example, give the house a nice clean, wash your sheets, have sex in the morning before work, stick to 1 to 2 glasses of wine, and do some of the movement exercises I mentioned to feel better in your body. Finding out what your brakes are and what hits them will help you to eliminate them and focus on enjoying the sex you’re having. Now list your accelerators. Perhaps things that turn you on and get you feeling comfortable are reading some erotic literature, initiating sex, having your partner come on to you, role play, fantasy, a glass of wine, wearing sexy lingerie, taking a hot shower, knowing all your chores are done. Make a list of things you know get you into the mood and try to do the maximum on that list.
Once you have asked the above questions and made the lists I’ve suggested, if you’re in a relationship, try to have an honest discussion with your partner about where you’re at. Together you can work on trying new things and re-vamping your sex life. If you’re single, try to really ask for what you want from your new partners and continue to masturbate because masturbation is proven to make partnered sex even better!
SELF PLEASURE AND MASTURBATION:
Has there ever been a better time to masturbate? Masturbation not only can relieve headaches, period cramps, and general pain, but it also releases certain chemicals that will help balance your immune system and promote a sense of well-being. Masturbation has also been found to help improve depression and anxiety!
If you have a go-to way to get off- try and slow that process down. In other words, practice edging. Put yourself in a comfortable and arousing situation. Whether that means taking a shower or bath, putting oil on, maybe some sexy lingerie, and jumping into a clean bed… Light some candles, put on some Lana del Rey or maybe some Erika Lust porn in the background. Begin by touching all over your body, including your legs and arms and the hair on your head. Just brush your fingers over yourself and then hone in on the areas that feel very good, maybe around your breasts or inner thighs. Begin to tease yourself over your panties. Feel aroused but stay in that arousal don’t go to direct stimulation. Move back to touching your body all over. Perhaps do this a couple times. Eventually remove your underwear and begin to lightly stimulate yourself how you like. Then touch your body, thighs, breasts. Bring yourself close to orgasm and then stop. Take some deep breaths. Start touching yourself again, getting a little closer, and then stop. Touch yourself only a little and then pause. Touch yourself until you’re so damn close and then pause and take deep breaths. When you finally allow yourself to orgasm (if orgasm is your goal) fucking revel in that release.
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The universe is obviously asking us to take a step back and slow down. It’s hard to know how long this will last, how many people will actually suffer, and what the economic results of all of this will be. Times ahead may be difficult and chaotic so there’s no better time to focus on the things we don’t normally devote time to! Like being our best sexual selves! Get to it!