My legs have never been so sore and I haven't been this fulfilled in a long time. I say fulfilled because I don't want to say "I haven't been this happy in a long time." Because "happy" isn't a word I throw around. There was one time in my life that I wasn't happy, and I was clinically depressed. The rest is good times and bad times.
Right now I am so fulfilled. This piece is called Reverse Cow Girl, which is a sex position I tried the other day, but also reflective of my current state. Just for shits and giggles let's say because I am an American I am a cow girl. Work with me. Right now I am a reverse cow girl for many reasons. One, I'm in Paris. I left the windy roads and endless mountains for an international city with lots of cafe tables and cigarettes and red lipstick. Two, I am honestly enjoying life right now. Which, since I was about 17, I have normally too busy to do. So I am doing the reverse of what is my usual "cow girl" way.
I tend to not be so social. I can be social very easily, it's like a light switch for me. But at the same time, it is really simple for me to not need other people. But lately I have been letting them in. Just to try something new. I have so many beautiful people in my life right now. And they say things like "Your energy just brings people in," "You look so beautiful," "You are so cute," "You should be a stand up comedian," "Working with you makes my shift way more fun." And I think more than anything I am shocked at how kind and selfless people can be with their words. And also, how much people really notice when you shift your energy, open you heart, and do what fulfils you. Don't have time for anything less.
This past week I was busy nearly every second. Wednesday night after having uni all day I went to my Swedish friend's housewarming party. I drank cheap champagne and talked with familiar faces and met some new intriguing people. Thursday I was with Pierre. I almost broke up with him, before pulling him back into my bedroom, locking the door and fucking him all night. Friday I had work all day, got a message from Pierre saying he was thinking about the sex we had the night before and he wanted more, then met with some people from uni after work for wine.
I went home from there and my other Swedish friend came over for dinner. She told me I must cheat on Pierre and live my life for me. She was gonna take me out out. Like to a club called Titty Twister on the Champs Élysées. One of those clubs where the promoter you are going with has to approve that you are hot enough by checking you out on Instagram first. She told me what to wear and then we stopped by her place just a little bit more up Montmartre to pick up her friends. Two younger Swedish girls with a lot of sexual appetite and little apology for it. Which is what I love about Swedish people.
Pierre messages me, I want to see you. I'm thinking well it's a Friday and we were just together last night and no way we are gonna hang out again so soon. So I let it be. He calls me. Asks me what I'm doing. I tell him I am going to Titty Twister with about 15 Swedish girls. He says he will meet me there. I still don't believe him, nor allow myself to get excited.
I get to Titty Twister, surrounded by girls with mascara, straightened hair and mini dresses, and there is Pierre. My beautiful 28 year old French lover. Just waiting. Looking a little out of place. I have to go in with the promoter so Pierre goes to the door to get in. They literally tell him he can't come in. I see all my friends entering Titty Twister, I see Pierre. He looks like he might lose me, like he doesn't know me. I think about if I want to do coke in Titty Twister, or have a new adventure with Pierre.
Pierre and I grabbed a taxi and began making out. Half way back to his he says, "Let's walk." We get out and walk through the Champ de Mars, which is the park surrounding the Eiffel Tower. We have to pee so we nature pee with a view of one of the world's most breathtaking sights. We go sit on the steps that face it. It starts lighting up, we make out again. We walk all the way back to his place through the park in the middle of the night in Paris. We get naked and shower together. We get in bed. We look at each other and talk. We don't have sex. He tells me I was the prettiest girl at that club, because I always look natural.
We have never not had sex before bed. This moment was beautiful, I can't even really explain it. There was no pressure to do or maintain anything, we were just existing together. Sometimes I get anxious in the night sleeping at his, I had no anxiety this time. I wasn't planning on being there. I was planning on being at Titty Twister and coming home around 4 am. But I ended up at Pierre's and I only had a small purse with me and in it my phone and keys. No birth control, eye drops, not even my metro pass. And I was so at peace.
We woke up and had a full on sex session. I am hairy as fuck right now because I am one of those girls who waxes. So for two weeks I am soft as a babies ass and for two weeks I have this soft beautiful woman hair. For some reason he wanted to do everything from behind this morning. I think we were doing it, and he said "try something new," and I just got into reverse cow girl. And he was holding my ass, probably staring into my asshole, and he goes, "You are so beautiful." We had the most intense sex this morning. Him doing me from behind, whilst also rubbing my clit and telling me I am beautiful. Then once he finishes he sticks his hand on my clit again and rubs me until I orgasm. And then he just holds my pussy in his hand, like the fucking diamond that it is, and he is lucky enough to touch it, hold it, if only for a few moments.
He actually wanted me to stay, asking if he could make me breakfast. But I had a photo shoot to go to. I was modeling for my manager. Then I met with a French girl for apero. Then I went to the theatre with this French guy. We met up with a French girl after and had vegan burgers in Pigalle, walked by sex shops, ended up in a bar with tropical drinks in hand. We told each other what we like about one another. We danced like Americans in a sea of French girls in tights and boys in suits.
I am surrounded by light and love. I am in the reverse cow girl position right now and I love it. I am saying yes to things and feeling grateful for every opportunity in front of me.
And my legs are sore, and it's a constant reminder that I am sexual, beautiful, and alive.