I'm not a romantic. I think I wish I was; Into love and holding hands and finding your one true love and shit. But I am a serial dater. I am 22 and I have dated over 20 people. I have had sex with at least 16, and I constantly want more. Not in a crazy unfilled sex way, but in a curious way. In a hungry way. I wonder what different people are like in bed, I crave sharing that experience with new deserving partners.
The times that being in a relationship appeals to me I am normally lonely, or all my friends are in one, or I'm in need of attention.
All the rest of the time, a relationship doesn't appeal to me. Being in love doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to bury my head into some dude's shoulder on the metro and take a nap. I don't want to cry and be cuddled and feel like a baby.
HEY. Maybe this isn't how you are in relationships. But this is what I have been like. (And what I often see). Needy and annoying and eventually heart broken.
I would rather date and fuck and explore and continue developing who I am as a person.
Than I met Pierre. And I really did love him. Or I thought I loved him, and I spent months convincing myself one day he was gonna wake up and realize I was the only girl for him and we would take off and spend the week in Italy and declare our love for each other. And maybe I would live in Paris for ever and we would have little french babies and eat baguettes all day long.
I am realising now this is not the case. He is not going to have this realisation and at the same time, he isn't going to let me go. It is as soon as I feel my freedom is taken from me, that I get over someone. I am extremely less attracted to this man I spent a year writing every date down after it happened, and thinking about and making love to.
It's not that I want to let him go entirely, although I genuinely could. I think heartbreak is a challenge. And as an artist, it's when beautiful fucking art is made. Novels, movies, songs, poems. As an actor, I could use all that pain and probably go audition for any show and get in. Because the emotion would be there and the vulnerability would be real. I know that if Pierre and I went our separate ways I would really feel something, pain maybe, but also alive, and most importantly, free. Like a sunburn, it hurts, but it makes you feel so undeniably human.
However, there is a second option. An option that as free and polygamous as I claim to be I never really thought I could do. Pierre and I could try an open relationship. Because I have distanced myself emotionally from him, I can honestly say I wouldn't care if he fucked someone else. Maybe it will make him happy. I want him to be happy.
I want to feel happy. And I am happy, but with my freedom in limbo for someone who isn't all in it with me, I am trapped. And I don't like that feeling. Since Pierre and I have started dating I have slept with four other people. He hasn't slept with anyone else. I know this for fact. He knows about the three, couldn't bring myself to tell him about the fourth. Couldn't bring myself to tell him I slept with someone just about a month ago. Can't fucking tell him I get asked out at least a couple times a week, and continually sext with guys who want to do more than sext.
But honestly, who cares about telling him. It's the guilt on me that hurts. I feel bad when I sleep with and flirt with and sext other men. And I don't think I would be doing any of those things if I was getting the attention I desired.
Recently everyone has been calling me a nympho, everyone from Pierre to my manager. Even my mom has called it out. I exude sexuality. But really, I just have the sexual appetite our society has deemed acceptable and the standard of men. I talk about sex, make sex jokes, and I am a touchy and flirty person. I have been this way since I was a kid. I want to liberate women from the chains and bullshit of societal labels and expectations and my own way of doing this is by setting the example of having and talking about my unapologetic sexual appetite. That more often scares men away then turns them on. Most men are scared of women who feel this strongly about sex. They are used to fucking passive girls who are passive because they don't know any better. They are used to getting whatever they want and bragging about it. They are used to having power and control and then wearing a Time's Up pin when it's trendy. Well Time's Up on all of that, it's time for women to stop being sexually objectified and start having orgasms.
So if I'm a nympho, which I am not, just a woman who loves sex, and I am not being satisfied, I am gonna get bored.
I have started to look at every man sexually, to masturbate even more than I already do, I want to fuck lots of new people.
And if Pierre and I were open, I wouldn't be as frustrated with him, I could get the attention and sex I needed elsewhere, and then spend my pasta and Harry Potter nights with him. Knowing that pasta and Harry Potter and a lot of good fucking memories are all he can really give me right now.
I am not one to wait around. I am not even one to cry over break ups for too long. I allow myself to feel. I listen to Florence and the Machine and I light candles and I normally reactivate my Tinder and sleep with someone and regret it. But there is a point when I remember, I am me. That hasn't changed. And I try to be thankful for the relationship and move the fuck on.
But there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let this beautiful French man go cold turkey. But there is a bigger part of me that wants to be free, and go camping, and run naked in mother nature. And I want to do this either alone, or with girlfriends, or with someone who appreciates me as I appreciate me. I don't have time for anything else. I don't want to be a sad girl in a relationship, I don't even know if I want to be a happy girl in a relationship.
I just know I love who I am right now. I live in Paris. I have long beautiful hair, and skin that glows from the apricot oil I use everyday. I wear mom jeans and have the perkiest tits. I don't do shit for men, I do shit because it pleases me.
And I will end with a quote that I have shared before but I love it so much and it's my blog so I can do whatever I want! from my Holy Grail, Sula, by Toni Morrison.
"...with a twist that was all her own imagination, she lived out her days exploring her own thoughts and emotions, giving them full reign, feeling no obligation to please anybody unless their pleasure pleased her. As willing to feel pain as to give pain, to feel pleasure as to give pleasure, hers was an experimental life..."